I'm Still Kickin!

By: earnestp , 11:50 PM GMT on October 30, 2013

Boy, howdy! This heres been a year, I garontee! I've been here, there, and a lil bit of evrywhere! Whirlwind City, that's me! I gotta do me a little catchin up with all yall nice folks out there!

Last yall heard from me, I was hidin from the Lee sisters at Auntie Neldas and Unk Wylies! Theyd let me stay there for the rest of my days, but I coudna do it, as Im a man of my own means, know what I mean? So they gave me a little money and a bus ticket and Unks good suitcase fulla clothes, and off I went! Where I was goin, I didnt have no idee, but I was gonna make it work!

Wound up in Vernon, Alabama! Didnt have no banjo, though, so I couldnt sing that old song Mrs. Thompkins taught us in school! So here I was in Vernon(I picked Vernon because I miss my old buddy Vern, know what I mean?) Anyways, I went to the motel there on main street, so I can stay for a spell while I figgert out what to do, and lo and behold(I remember that from a fancy TV show. Im purty good with words when I want to!) on the front door there was a sign sayin Help Wanted, so I went in and told the lady I need a place to sleep and a job, whatya got? And she said she needed a handyman, and she had a room for free if I didnt mind fixing it up first! Sometimes The Good Lord just got your back, know what I mean? handymanin is what Ol Earnest does best! I told the lady she had herself a deal!

My room was kinda cold, but a couple of good whacks on the radiator with a hammer loosed up all the crud in it, and when I put some duck tape over the hole in the winder, it was real snug! Had me a hot plate and a fridgerater, too! Life was real good!

Come springtime, vernon turned out to be one of them tourist hotspots! People come from all over, passin through, and stayin the night! Well, handymanin was purty easy for a while, I mean, even Vern could change out a light bulb, know what I mean? I even had to share my room with a travelin salesman a time or two! I bought me an air purifyin zapper thingy for when I cooked my beans and weenies too long! Worked good, too!

One night, a bunch of spring brakers was a stayin the night, and I dont know what they put in their potty, but it was stuck, so I was asked to go and fix it! Well, I got me a plunger, and then a snake, but I couldnt do nothin with it! It was stuck tighter than a leotard on Mabels hind end, know what I mean? So I went down the street to where my buddy Skeeters hardware store was, and got about a gallon of Drano, and went back in! I started pourin that stuff in there, and it was bubblin a bit, but it wasnt doin too good, so I tried a trick I saw on the innernet, and stuffed a roll of aluminum foil in that commode! Boy, that worked! Too good, I reckon! Why that thing blew the out the lines, the toilet, and a hole in the wall big enuff to throw me through it! I wound up in a willer tree about halfway up!

Well, that was the end of that job. I also got kicked out of the motel, but I had a place to stay at the hospital, while I was gettin over my broke bones and bruises! It was May before I got out!

I didnt know what I was gonna do next, and all I had was the clothes in Unks suitcase, and a air zapper! I was in a pickle! Then, the Good Lord done shined on me again, cause I seen me another sign! BASEBALL TRYOUTS, it said! Vernon had a semi-pro baseball team! Well I thought I could just get on the team, but them boys is a lot bettern I was! I didnt make the team, but the owner took pity on me, and gave me a job as their uniform cleaner and mascot! I was a Vernon Bigfoot! Here's a picture of me in my uniform! Pretty sharp, ain't I?

We went all over Alabama, Georgia, Tenessee, Missisisppi, even near my old hometown! Ise glad I could wear that outfit, in case the Lee sisters went to that game, know what I mean?

But you know what? Bein so close to home got me missin my kinfolk, and even ol Vern and Killer. I heard him and that sumo rasslin wife of his made up and got back together! Boy that Vern is some kind of special stupid, know what I mean? I think its so he dont have to go out and get a real job, like his big brother Bob.

Anyways, Verns got a new extravaganzo happenin tomorrow! And Im gonna crash that party, wearin my bigfoot outfit, so nobody knows its me! Unk Wylie and Auntie Nelda says Im crazy, but Im crazy like a fox, know what I mean? I reckon well see tomorry!

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12. sp34n119w
4:22 AM GMT on February 11, 2016
[twiddles fingers]
[mutters incantations]
*****magic happens*****

Member Since: January 27, 2007 Posts: 85 Comments: 4488
11. Ylee
8:01 AM GMT on December 07, 2013
This seems like the proper time and place to post this.... :' )

Member Since: February 3, 2011 Posts: 130 Comments: 23220
10. DaveFive
9:49 AM GMT on November 10, 2013
Hello earnestp, I'm Dave from San Jose,CA. Your blog is interesting, the photos are cool. The weather here in San Jose has been dry for quite some time.
Member Since: August 16, 2013 Posts: 9 Comments: 311
9. earnestp
3:28 AM GMT on November 02, 2013
Well, I reckon I made it through another Halloween alive and still kickin! When it got good and daylight I shucked my bigfoot outfit(Somebody might see the fur and mistake me for vittles, know what I mean?), and I follerd my nose after that bacon I smelt and come up on this old shack I never seed before! Outside the shack was this feller takin a bath in a plastic tub! His dog saw me before he did and commenced a barkin and a growlin, and I hoped I didnt come up on some crazy shiner with a gun on the other side of his tub! He hollered for his dog to get back, and he asked me if I was lost! I told him I was, and asked him if he knew Unk Wylie, and how do I get there!

Well, he got up and grabbed his towel(I was so glad he covered himself up when he got up out of that tub, cause I aint up on lookin at nekkid men, know what I mean?), and said that hes bought some squeezins a time or two from Unk, and hed take me over there! He asked me howd I get so lost, since Unks was about 15 miles away over a couple of ridges, as the crow flies? I told him of Verns extravaganzo and his sumo wife and Mabel and Killer and goin as a bigfoot and all that stuff. He told me I oughta be on TV with all that live action! I asked him what his name was, and he said his name was Ernie, and I said you lyin and he said he aint, he swears it it on his mamas Bible! I told him that's my name too, only they call me Earnest, and his eyes got big and asked me if I was the Earnest that blew up the Walmart and I said I was, and he said he always wanted to meet me! Well, I reckon I didn't realize I was a celebrity, know what I mean? So he took me over to Unks and he gave Ernie a free quart for bringin me home!

In gratitude, I gave him Mabels phone number. Anybody that goes after snappin turtles bare handed can handle a 350 pound woman, know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 38
8. earnestp
11:35 AM GMT on November 01, 2013
Ima startin to see some daylight now! I know these here woods purty good, but it was a rainin and blowin all night, and I think I got lost! This eye phone's got one of them GPS built in it, but it's tellin me I should be at the Walmart! Them Googley people aint too smart at some things, know what I mean? Im glad I got this bigfoot outfit on, or Id froze somethin off! I think Verns ol lady and Killer has give up the chase, of which Im real glad! Last thing I need is her puttin me in a headlock while Killers gnawin on my ankles, know what I mean?

I think I smell bacon! Somebodys fixin breakfast! Gotta go!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 38
7. earnestp
5:09 AM GMT on November 01, 2013
Boy, that didn't work out! I got to the extravagando, and was havin a pretty good time, even if I couldnt eat or drink nuthin! Didnt want have to take my head off and cause a commotion, know what I mean? Vern, his sumo wife, Mabel, and a whole buncha people was there, and nobody knew who I was! I just nodded my head and waved at evrybody without sayin nuthin, and things was goin purty good!

Well I reckon that all changed when Killer come up to me and started sniffin, growlin, and barkin! I was the only one he ever did that to, and when he started doin all that barkin, well, Vern said Earnest, is that you, and come up and yanked my head off! The jig was up! Mabel fainted straight away, so that was one Lee sister I didnt have to fool with, but her sister, the sumo rassler, turned about ten colors of red and purple and started screamin and cussin something fierce! She had the door blocked, so I made a run for it and jumped through their plate glass winder and out in the bushes with all the thorns! Itsa good thing I had that suit on, Ida been poked like a pincushin, know what I mean?

I was runnin like the wind, which was hard to do when you got bigfeet on, know what I mean? But I was able to run through the thickets where a rabbit couldnt go, and I think Im safe for the time bein, even though I think Verns ol ladys got a gun, and has Killer playing bloodhound, which is a bit of a stretch for a miniature poodle!

I got ahold of Unk Wylie with the eye phone. As soon as he gets done bottlin the latest batch, he'll come and get me! I hope he dont do a quality test too much, know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 38
6. earnestp
1:41 AM GMT on November 01, 2013
Oh, boy! Ise about all ready for the extravaganzo at Verns! Auntie Nelda told me Ise even stupider than Unk Wylie for agoin to the extravaganzo, and Unk Wylie said he didnt know, he was purty stupid for marryin Nelda! After she put another knot on his head with her chicken fryin skillet, I figgert I aint that dumb, know what I mean? Besides, aint nobody gonna know who I is at the extravaganzo, all covered up with my bigfoot outfit! Auntie Nelda let me borry her eye phone to use in case of emergency. She wasnt comin to the extravaganzo since it was Lawrence Welk night on the TV, and her and Wylie got some dancin to do, once he gets over his headache! I better turn off the phone in case Old Spinster Woman Bass calls, cause Neldas got the only Grandpa Jones ringtone in the county, and I dont wanna be caught at the party with my skivvies playin 8 More Miles to Louisville, know what I mean?

Lookie! I got visitors!

Hiya Keeperofthegate! Boy, that there sounds like a lonly job, a keepin that gate! Well, I reckon as long as it pays yer groceries! That be a might spooky pitcher you put up there! Id put up a pitcher Mabel sent me of her in a bikini, but Ise afraid Id scare evrybody off, know what I mean?

Hidee, Barefoot! Aint yor feet agettin cold? Maam, you better get some shoes on, its dang near November! Well, I reckon toilets blowin up is like gettin struck by lightnin, it aint supposed to happen more than once except for that feller in the record book that got hit 7 times! Boy, that shore dont give me sumthin to look forward to, know what I mean?

Calpoppy, that there is some nice doggies you got there! The one on the left reminds me of Verns dog Killer! Where is Escondider? is that near Huntsville? We had a game there in Huntsville against the Donut Holes, and some drunk guy kept a hollerin at me and makin fun at my costume and then I threw a fastball at him and hit him upside the head and he choked on a donut hole and the EMT feller had to give him mouth to mouth resignation! Whats a yeti?

Miss Gardengirrrrrrrrl, I think I seen that Tom guy up there in Elizbethtown! Mabe, Mabe not!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 38
5. GardenGrrl
6:30 PM GMT on October 31, 2013
Hey Earnst herz one fer you

Member Since: March 25, 2007 Posts: 305 Comments: 12801
4. calpoppy
6:26 PM GMT on October 31, 2013
Ernest, have you been to Escondido lately?????? There has been talk on the blogs of yeti sightings there.

Glad you are still around even with exploding toilets!
Member Since: February 18, 2008 Posts: 91 Comments: 5680
3. Barefootontherocks
3:55 PM GMT on October 31, 2013
Just what is it with you and exploding toilets? LMAO

Happy Hallowe'en
Member Since: April 29, 2006 Posts: 173 Comments: 22021
11:57 PM GMT on October 30, 2013

calling all the ghosts of Halloween past and present

you are free to roam the blogs of the wunderground
Member Since: July 15, 2006 Posts: 197 Comments: 64934
11:53 PM GMT on October 30, 2013
hey vern whats up
must be Halloween good to see ya
been doing well I hope
Member Since: July 15, 2006 Posts: 197 Comments: 64934

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About earnestp

I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!

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