I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!
By: earnestp , 10:30 AM GMT on October 08, 2012
Hoowee! I is back on the innernet! A nice guvmint lady give me a free computer and free innernet because I is a disadvantaged worker, and I need all the help I kin get so I can make big money! I don't care if Vern says Obamer is a three quartered comunist, if hes givin out a free computer and free innernet, hes alright by me, know what I mean?
If yalls wonderin where I was at, I just got out of the hospital! Been in there for five months, I was! Its kinda a long story, but Im going to tell it anyway!
Verns ol lady had just got back from Japan, where she come in second place at the big national sumo tournament! She woulda won it but she ate some bad sushi and had to bail out of the final! Anyway she wasnt ina good mood when she come in to Verns. Well, she aint never in a good mood, but that day she was worse than normal! Anyway, I was in the livin room sittin on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table watchin Andy Griffith(God rest his soul, I miss him!), feedin Killer Slim Jims. She saw me and commenced to cussin and hollerin and told me to git my greasy hind end out of her house and I told her that it was Verns house too and that I was his guest and why dont she go off to the bathroom and take a load off her mind and shed feel better for doing it.
You know, don't you all every once in a while have one of those spells when your mouth is a workin while your mind aint in gear? Well, thats what I was a thinkin when she threw me out that plate glass winder! I dont think I said this before, but Verns TV room is on the second floor. Its amazin what goes through yer head when you are afallin 20 foot in a hollyhock bush! I thought I was doin purty good after I landed until I realized she threw the coffee table out the winder too!
When I woke up, I thought my baptism didnt work, cause I thought I died and gone to you know where! Then I realized I wasnt dead, just in the hospital with Verns ol ladys twin sister starin at me a cryin her eyes out. When they was in school, they were called the Lee sisters because they were Uglee and Homelee. Anyways, Mabel(we called her Homelee, but not to her face) always had a crush on me and wanted me to marry her, but I said no, I was too high maintenance for her. So she commenced to go to school to be a nurse so she could make a lot of money and be able to afford keepin me up!
Mabel told me that I had 14 broke bones and needed over 100 stitches! Then she started gigglin and told me she was in charge of my sponge baths! I wanted to get up and run outa there, but they had me tied up like a hog at the slaughterhouse! I felt like one too, know what I mean? They had one of those machines that if you hit a button, it shoot some feel good in your system, and I learnd real quick that if I hit that button a couple of times before bathtime, Id be knocked out by the time Mabel come in! I aint stupid! I also figgerd that Id better be nice to Mabel or shed do me like that crazy woman did to that poor feller in that movie after he was tied up like I was. I also figgerd that Id better hurry up and heal quick enuff so that I could give myself my own baths, know what I mean?
Anyways, I'm out of the hospital, and feelin purty good, considerin all the trials and tribulations I went through! Mabels asked me to go to Verns Halloween Extravaganzo this year. She said we could go as Laurel and Hardy with her being Hardy. I figgerd that was a good choice fer her since that way she dont have to shave her mustache! Me, I dont know if I want to go with her or not. Lord knows I dont want to give her any fool idees like me wanting to marry her or something. Ol Ronnie Milsap said between love and hate, theres a little fine line, and I sure dont want to risk getting on her bad side, you know what I mean?
Well, Ill figger sumthin out!
The views of the author are his/her own and do not necessarily represent the position of The Weather Company or its parent, IBM.
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