I is back!

By: earnestp , 10:30 AM GMT on October 08, 2012

Hoowee! I is back on the innernet! A nice guvmint lady give me a free computer and free innernet because I is a disadvantaged worker, and I need all the help I kin get so I can make big money! I don't care if Vern says Obamer is a three quartered comunist, if hes givin out a free computer and free innernet, hes alright by me, know what I mean?

If yalls wonderin where I was at, I just got out of the hospital! Been in there for five months, I was! Its kinda a long story, but Im going to tell it anyway!

Verns ol lady had just got back from Japan, where she come in second place at the big national sumo tournament! She woulda won it but she ate some bad sushi and had to bail out of the final! Anyway she wasnt ina good mood when she come in to Verns. Well, she aint never in a good mood, but that day she was worse than normal! Anyway, I was in the livin room sittin on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table watchin Andy Griffith(God rest his soul, I miss him!), feedin Killer Slim Jims. She saw me and commenced to cussin and hollerin and told me to git my greasy hind end out of her house and I told her that it was Verns house too and that I was his guest and why dont she go off to the bathroom and take a load off her mind and shed feel better for doing it.

You know, don't you all every once in a while have one of those spells when your mouth is a workin while your mind aint in gear? Well, thats what I was a thinkin when she threw me out that plate glass winder! I dont think I said this before, but Verns TV room is on the second floor. Its amazin what goes through yer head when you are afallin 20 foot in a hollyhock bush! I thought I was doin purty good after I landed until I realized she threw the coffee table out the winder too!

When I woke up, I thought my baptism didnt work, cause I thought I died and gone to you know where! Then I realized I wasnt dead, just in the hospital with Verns ol ladys twin sister starin at me a cryin her eyes out. When they was in school, they were called the Lee sisters because they were Uglee and Homelee. Anyways, Mabel(we called her Homelee, but not to her face) always had a crush on me and wanted me to marry her, but I said no, I was too high maintenance for her. So she commenced to go to school to be a nurse so she could make a lot of money and be able to afford keepin me up!

Mabel told me that I had 14 broke bones and needed over 100 stitches! Then she started gigglin and told me she was in charge of my sponge baths! I wanted to get up and run outa there, but they had me tied up like a hog at the slaughterhouse! I felt like one too, know what I mean? They had one of those machines that if you hit a button, it shoot some feel good in your system, and I learnd real quick that if I hit that button a couple of times before bathtime, Id be knocked out by the time Mabel come in! I aint stupid! I also figgerd that Id better be nice to Mabel or shed do me like that crazy woman did to that poor feller in that movie after he was tied up like I was. I also figgerd that Id better hurry up and heal quick enuff so that I could give myself my own baths, know what I mean?

Anyways, I'm out of the hospital, and feelin purty good, considerin all the trials and tribulations I went through! Mabels asked me to go to Verns Halloween Extravaganzo this year. She said we could go as Laurel and Hardy with her being Hardy. I figgerd that was a good choice fer her since that way she dont have to shave her mustache! Me, I dont know if I want to go with her or not. Lord knows I dont want to give her any fool idees like me wanting to marry her or something. Ol Ronnie Milsap said between love and hate, theres a little fine line, and I sure dont want to risk getting on her bad side, you know what I mean?

Well, Ill figger sumthin out!

The views of the author are his/her own and do not necessarily represent the position of The Weather Company or its parent, IBM.

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11. WunderAlertBot (Admin)
5:11 PM GMT on October 31, 2012
earnestp has created a new entry.
10. earnestp
10:10 AM GMT on October 25, 2012
Boy Howdee! I bout got half this innernet three quartered figgerd out, you know what I mean? I is gonna be a millionair and high falutin! I found this here webplace called ebay where fool people spend a whole lotta money for junk! I got all kinds of that, and good stuff, too! I got me a velvet Elvis and a dunkin bird and a couple hunnerd 8 track tapes that daddy had back in the day. I reckon that K-Tel 20 Disco Hits of 1978 will go for a thousand or two! I figgerd if those folks on that Antiques Roadhouse can get a lotta money for their old junk, I can too, know what I mean?

Matter a fact, that Vernons gotta buncha stuff thatll sell, too! I bet theres stuff in that attic that aint nobody seen in years! Id tell him about that ebay and makin money and stuff, but hes over in China with that mean ol woman of his, tryin to get a deal on them makin some sumo action figures that look like her! I think theyre gettin over there too late to start this up in time for Halloween, know what I mean?

I know hes gotta attic fulla treasures just waiting to be mined! I might just go over there and help him out and sell some of his stuff while hes gone! Won't he be surprised!

I know some of you folks might say thats thievin, but Ima gonna give him some of the proceeds from the sale! Heck it aint worth nuthin sittin up there in that old attic a rottin away, anyway! Besides I figgerd if he kept his share hid from her and things got too hot for him there, he could buy a plane ticket or bus ticket and go away and hide for a spell! See, that stuff up there could save his hide someday! Thats what buddies are for, know what I mean?
Member Since: December 31, 1969 Posts: Comments:
9. calpoppy
2:27 AM GMT on October 14, 2012
ErnestP you are a hoot!!!!!!!
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8. earnestp
11:50 AM GMT on October 13, 2012
Sometimes I think people done went and lost their minds, know what I mean? I went down there to Lems General Store and Bait Shop yesterday for some wing nuts and chicken livers when I saw that he done went and put in this big ol Christmas display! This things got twinklin lights and flashin lights and bright lights and even more lights than that! Gotcher Santys and Rudolfs and Snowmens and lotsa lotsa mangers with wise mens and sheep and more baby Jesuses than you can shake a stick at! We is big on manger scenes around these parts!

But it aint even Halloween yet! Lem says its too late to git a costume, they all sold out! Hes gotta few scary things on clearance, like them walkin spiders that always have dead battries in them and glow in the dark hands and stuff like that that nobody buys anyway. He told me I shoulda bought what I wanted when he put this stuff out on the 5th of July like everybody else did!

Lem told me that Id better hurry up and get what Christmas stuff I needed now because after Thanksgiving hes a gonna put out stuff for Valentines Day! Whats wrong with people anyway? I think people in too big of a hurry nowadays, know what I mean?
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7. earnestp
10:54 AM GMT on October 13, 2012
Boy, look at all them nice people come to stop by and say hidee! I reckon I'm glad to give you all a good belly laff! Why if I wasnt a laffin, Id be a cryin, know what I mean?

Cousin Virgil had a prize sow he called Ima! She bore so many litters the whole family was chock full a bacon and ham and jowl and feet for years and years!

Miss calpoppy, thats the funniest lookin chicken Id ever saw in that pitchur you got! I went as Santy Claus last year, but I aint figgerd out what to wear this year yet! Mebbe I otta go as that Rommney fella and go down to the big Extravaganzo and tell all them people Im come down there and take their welfare and food stamps and free doctorin, that otta scare em real good!

I know what msssspp is! Its that sound a sprinkler makes after the waters turned on!
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6. Barefootontherocks
11:26 PM GMT on October 09, 2012
I is back!
Great. Now we can spell msssspp.
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5. calpoppy
9:48 PM GMT on October 09, 2012
Glad you are back, Earnest!!!! What are you wearing for Halloween this year??
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4. shoreacres
1:27 PM GMT on October 09, 2012
Good gosh, my day is complete and it hasn't even got a good start! Happy to see you, fella!

Uglee and Homelee remind me of Miss Ima Hogg, daughter of one of our local luminaries. The joke always was that she had a sister named Ura - whether it's a joke or the flat truth I've never been sure. They probably would have given Ug and Home a run for their money, though!
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3. GardenGrrl
9:52 AM GMT on October 09, 2012
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2. whitewabit
12:30 AM GMT on October 09, 2012
Had a good chuckle while reading this .. thanks for the laughs !!
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1. BriarCraft
12:21 AM GMT on October 09, 2012
I followed a link here from Ylee's blog. And I'm glad I did. You put a smile on my face. Yep, you did. Thank you kindly!
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I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!

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