An Earnestp Christmas

By: earnestp , 9:20 AM GMT on December 22, 2011

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YEEEEHAAAAAW!!! If you think ol Earnest is excited about Christmas, you're right as rain, I guarantee it! I cut me a nice tree over in Verns back yard(Don't tell him, its a surprise!), and I got it decorated with lights and gold foil and popcorn strings and icicles and all kinds of glass balls! It's got a custom one of a kind homemade angel on top made from a Barbie I bought at a yard sale, some gold foil, and a 50 colored blinky string of lights! Some of the light bulbs got hot and melted Barbies hair a little bit, but I think she's cute with short hair, know what I mean?

As Santies little helper, I like to spread around Christmas cheer and goodwill around whenever I can. Why, this mornin I tried to help a little old lady cross the street, and when I took her hand to help her she whipped out a big ol can of bear spray and let me have it right between the eyes! That stinged somethin powerful! I still got to say merry Christmas to her before that drunk that lives around the corner run the red light and bounced me off his hood and on the sidewalk! Never thought Id get blinded and bruised by spreading Christmas cheer, but I keep tryin!

I stopped by Lems General Store and Bait Shop to pick up some Slim Jims for Verns dog Killer for Christmas. I didnt wrap it because Verns sumo-rasslin wife got ahold of some eastern religion when she was over there and dont believe in Christmas. Id tell her what I think about all that but I dont want to check and see if Im right or shes right just yet, know what I mean?

My cousin Bobby is goin to get married on Christmas Eve in Gatlinburg! All of us is takin the truck over to Freddies Marryin Chapel and Honeymoon Chalets(Thats a fancy cabin with a indoor toilet) and theyre gittin hitched by none other than Elvis himself! I thought ol Elvis had kicked the bucket a long time ago, but I seed his pitchur on the broshure and he didnt look too bad, so I figgert he musta went off to Sweden or somewhere and got him some plastic surgery. I wish Verns wife would get a million dollars worth of plastic surgery, but then the other sumo rasslers wouldnt be so scared of her and maybe she wouldnt win so much and then shed take it out on Vern or me! You gotta be careful what you wish for sometimes, know what I mean?

I reckon Ima gonna have Christmas dinner over at Uncle Shecks this year. Hes gonna have roast rack of venison! Yup, he finally got ol Deerzilla! You know, Sheck is gettin kinda old, and so is Deerzilla. A couple of weeks ago Sheck was drivin home from church. His eyesight aint too good no more, even with those coke bottle glasses of his. He was acomin around the curve, when he thought he saw three deer! One was on one side of the road, the other was on the other side of the road, and the other one was in the middle. He figgert that hittin a deer was better than drivin down a holler, so he aimed at the middle one and slammed on his brakes. Well, he didnt hear nothin, but thats normal cause he cant hear good, but he didnt feel the truck hit nothin, either. He got out of the truck and looked and saw it was Deezilla! He could tell it was him by the dent he put in his head with his Eswing so many years ago. He figgert his truck gave Deezilla such a fright he just keeled over dead of a heart attack! I hope Uncle Sheck cooks him real slow. A deer that old be a might tough, know what I mean?

Well, I think I hear Vern a hollerin down the street! Reckon hes wonderin where his tree went to? Boy, wont he be surprised! I hope he likes the Barbie angel! Kinda reminds me of his first wife, you know, the pretty one? His current wife don't like her one bit. I don't know why shed be mad at her. After all, she got the prize, didnt she? Anyway, I hope Vern aint bringin her over here. Shell see Barbie and get mad and try to put a whoopin on me! But that's OK, I got me a emergency contingency!(I use them big words sometimes so people dont think Ima dummy. I aint stupid!) I got me a big can of that bear spray and Ill give her a good dose! I figgert all I need is five or six seconds and I can git outa there and go hide out somewhere until she goes back to Japan!

Well you all have a Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you everything you wish for!

The views of the author are his/her own and do not necessarily represent the position of The Weather Company or its parent, IBM.

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4. WunderAlertBot (Admin)
10:30 AM GMT on October 08, 2012
earnestp has created a new entry.
3. shoreacres
1:15 PM GMT on December 22, 2011
Well, my gosh. I KNEW I liked ol' Ernestp when he first showed up round Halloween. Matter of fact, me and Ernest shared a few words back then. I remember thinking "I don't have a clue who this is, but he's fun guy!" The thing I couldn't figure out is who had the "voice" down so pat!

Now I know. As some folks say around here, "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!" I'm not sure that's WU approved, but sometimes a girl's gotta say what a girl's gotta say!

I'm off for coffee and catching up, then I'll be back for another read. This is good stuff!

Member Since: December 31, 1969 Posts: Comments:
2. Ylee
9:51 AM GMT on December 22, 2011
Here's a hint, Sandi, to help you translate: there are no apostrphes in the post. For example, "shell" is actually "she'll"

Hillbilly is to American speech like Cockney is to English speech, I think! :)
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1. sandiquiz
9:42 AM GMT on December 22, 2011
You are in a good mood, aren't you, my nocturnal friend!!

Great read... pity it is written in a foreign dialect!! I need a translator!!! LOL

Happy Christmas to you too, Earnestp!!!

PS - Should I rescue my alias from the dungeon? Nah, I have used it for two years at Halloween, and no one has guessed it is me yet!!!

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I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!

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