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By: fishless , 1:44 AM GMT on February 27, 2012

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173. Railheel
3:35 PM GMT on January 21, 2013
Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.

Member Since: November 13, 2010 Posts: 0 Comments: 6615
172. RenoSoHill
4:25 PM GMT on April 13, 2012
I think I saw a couple of blondes down the street with nail guns looking for someone named Gary
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
171. Railheel
2:25 PM GMT on April 13, 2012
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder
or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,'
Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
& I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
Member Since: November 13, 2010 Posts: 0 Comments: 6615
170. gingyb
11:23 AM GMT on April 13, 2012
Quoting Railheel:
Shot my first turkey yesterday
Scared the devil out of everyone in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!
Getting old is so much fun....



Now this is funny, I started to take you seriously
Member Since: June 28, 2009 Posts: 2 Comments: 1553
169. SBKaren
10:24 PM GMT on April 12, 2012
FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Member Since: February 21, 2005 Posts: 195 Comments: 14569
168. RenoSoHill
10:10 PM GMT on April 12, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
167. SVLover
2:26 PM GMT on April 12, 2012
Quoting Railheel:
My problem would be on Wednesday.


LOL
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166. Railheel
1:02 PM GMT on April 12, 2012
Shot my first turkey yesterday
Scared the devil out of everyone in the frozen food section.
It was awesome!
Getting old is so much fun....


Member Since: November 13, 2010 Posts: 0 Comments: 6615
165. Railheel
1:02 PM GMT on April 12, 2012
Quoting SVLover:
More male sensitivity - fishless style. ;)



After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.



Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
My problem would be on Wednesday.
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164. SVLover
6:39 PM GMT on April 11, 2012
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163. katy99780
3:40 PM GMT on April 11, 2012
Heehee! This is a great place to come for a good chuckle!

Here's my thought for the day:

When God created women, He promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


And then He smiled . . . and made the earth round.
Member Since: October 3, 2005 Posts: 0 Comments: 12099
162. SVLover
1:20 AM GMT on April 11, 2012
Hope this one is ok - A repeat for me, but I still find it funny.

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!
Member Since: October 29, 2006 Posts: 0 Comments: 3317
161. gingyb
12:30 AM GMT on April 11, 2012
Very very true
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160. SVLover
6:13 PM GMT on April 10, 2012
Hee-hee! Good ones, Duane.
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159. RenoSoHill
5:11 PM GMT on April 10, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
158. RenoSoHill
4:56 PM GMT on April 10, 2012
It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party

When Blonds have more fun,
do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

Arkansas state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected
is that they could not make a living
under the laws they've passed.





Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
157. SVLover
1:36 PM GMT on April 10, 2012
Member Since: October 29, 2006 Posts: 0 Comments: 3317
156. RenoSoHill
3:08 AM GMT on April 10, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
155. SVLover
11:23 PM GMT on April 09, 2012
More male sensitivity - fishless style. ;)



After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.



Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"



"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Member Since: October 29, 2006 Posts: 0 Comments: 3317
154. gingyb
6:42 PM GMT on April 09, 2012
Battle of the sexes?
Member Since: June 28, 2009 Posts: 2 Comments: 1553
153. SVLover
5:42 PM GMT on April 09, 2012
Which prompted me to post this, Gary. :)

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152. Railheel
5:14 PM GMT on April 09, 2012
Male Sensitivity...






The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.


She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.


She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."


The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.


Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.


"Yes", answered the Instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


This level of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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151. RenoSoHill
2:20 PM GMT on April 09, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
150. gingyb
4:33 PM GMT on April 08, 2012

Yep its that time of year, and a 13 going on 14 year old trying to keep herself beautiful
Member Since: June 28, 2009 Posts: 2 Comments: 1553
149. gingyb
4:32 PM GMT on April 08, 2012
Lori looks like that is what we are going to have, sure is getting dark out there. Thank you Juslivin and Duane. Have a great holiday.
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148. juslivn
4:18 AM GMT on April 08, 2012
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147. RenoSoHill
1:45 AM GMT on April 08, 2012
Happy Easter, Happy Passover to All!

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146. SVLover
11:57 PM GMT on April 07, 2012
Happy Easter Fishless friends!



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145. SVLover
2:20 PM GMT on April 07, 2012
Thank you, Carol Happy Easter to you too. I think it is gong to rain/snow tomorrow. :)
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144. gingyb
2:02 PM GMT on April 07, 2012

HAPPY EASTER MY FRIENDS. Hope for some beautiful sunny weather for all.
Softball season starting.
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143. SVLover
12:26 AM GMT on April 06, 2012
Oh that is too funny, Duane.
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142. RenoSoHill
11:31 PM GMT on April 05, 2012
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
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141. katy99780
6:10 PM GMT on April 05, 2012
Quoting SVLover:
Mine always looked that way too, Duane. I had one of my more talented girlfriends build them. They were sure fun to doodle on for the entire year. :)
All the boys in my schools talked us girls into making their book covers for them, heheh!

Lori love the etch-a-sketch cartoon, and I LOVE etch-a-sketches!
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140. SVLover
2:25 PM GMT on April 04, 2012
Quoting gingyb:
Wonder if any of our storm chasers are in Dallas. Looks like a mess


Those were some videos coming out of there yesterday!

Snowing here this morning.
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139. gingyb
8:06 PM GMT on April 03, 2012
Wonder if any of our storm chasers are in Dallas. Looks like a mess
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138. SVLover
1:30 PM GMT on April 03, 2012
Quoting RenoSoHill:
Not funny from a Californian! I still think I will have beach front property someday!


Ha! It is exactly Californian humor.
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137. RenoSoHill
4:18 AM GMT on April 03, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
136. RenoSoHill
4:13 AM GMT on April 03, 2012
Not funny from a Californian! I still think I will have beach front property someday!
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135. SVLover
9:03 PM GMT on April 02, 2012
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134. SVLover
2:33 PM GMT on April 02, 2012
Mine always looked that way too, Duane. I had one of my more talented girlfriends build them. They were sure fun to doodle on for the entire year. :)
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133. RenoSoHill
4:40 AM GMT on April 02, 2012
I had forgot about the book covers....and I should have as mine always turned out like the dog made them-I was/am not artistic, but I could spot my books from a long distance away!
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
132. SVLover
12:12 AM GMT on April 02, 2012
I love the memory of the brown paper bag book covers, Katy. Those were ingenious.

And that last line, I hate to say, cracks me up.
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131. katy99780
9:27 PM GMT on April 01, 2012
Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.


Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, (if any) or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a hand pump or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

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130. RenoSoHill
11:04 PM GMT on March 31, 2012
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
129. SVLover
2:10 PM GMT on March 31, 2012
LOL - I tried that too yesterday, Duane. It STILL didn't work.
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128. RenoSoHill
3:51 AM GMT on March 31, 2012
John was a little down on his luck after being out of work for a few months and knelt by his bed and said, "Father, please help me win the lottery tonight so I can feed my family!"

The lottery numbers came up and they weren't Johns!

The next week John got down on his knees again, "Lord, My family is hungry and the little one needs to go to the doctor and I don't have any money, please help me win the lottery so I can provide better!"

The lottery numbers came up and they weren't Johns!

The third week and once again lottery time. John knelt once again. Dear God, Please let me win the lottery my family is hungry, my children are sick, the boys need shoes - Please Help Me!

The lottery numbers came up and they weren't Johns!

John was disturbed that his prayers were not answered and called out. "Lord why did you let me down?"

A Voice boomed from above - John, You have to at least help me out by buying a lottery ticket!"
Member Since: December 12, 2009 Posts: 7 Comments: 10919
127. SVLover
3:39 AM GMT on March 31, 2012
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126. RenoSoHill
7:11 PM GMT on March 30, 2012
That's a goodin'!
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125. katy99780
3:42 AM GMT on March 30, 2012
Oh too funny Lori!
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124. SVLover
3:22 AM GMT on March 30, 2012
Hey there, nutty fishless friends!
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123. katy99780
2:59 AM GMT on March 30, 2012
I've only got 50ยข :)
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Just a little blog to ramble on about anything. Would appreciate light-hearted comments and information about you for your friends to see.

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