Know what I mean?

By: earnestp , 11:28 PM GMT on October 04, 2011

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Boy Howdy! I finally made it on the innernet! My buddy Vern's been a tellin me all about it! Why, he figgered out how to assemble a cold fusion generator just by readin what somebody wrote on there! All he needs now are the parts! Any of yall know how I can get ahold of somebody at Los Alamos? My 4th cousin twice removed Bobby works at Oak Ridge, but I think he's just a janitor!

Anyway, I saw this Weather Underground place, and I thought to myself. And then I thought some more, and then I said "Earnest." "Huh." "Why do they call it the Weather Underground? If they are underground, how can they see the weather?" "I dunno. Maybe they are reporting the weather in caves or basements or something like that." "But there ain't no weather in basements." "It does if theres a pipe busts, then you have rain and fog." "Oh. OK."

Vern also told me there was a lot of pitchers of half nekkid women on the innernet, too, but all I see here is lots of purty pitchers of outdoors and critters and things, with some of cousin Cletus' weenie roast gone out of control. There's a FlaBlondie out here in the underground that's kinda purty, but I don't think she can fix fried taters and balony. If a woman can't fix fried taters and balony, she ain't worth spittin at, do you know what I mean?

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19. Barefootontherocks
5:34 PM GMT on November 01, 2011
Sooo... get on that treatment, Ylee!

Good luck to you and earnestp.

(edited)
Member Since: April 29, 2006 Posts: 161 Comments: 19643
18. Ylee
5:23 PM GMT on November 01, 2011
Ah, BF, earnestp is just a Halloween handle...;-)

Thanks for the compliment!
Member Since: February 3, 2011 Posts: 103 Comments: 17496
17. Barefootontherocks
5:06 PM GMT on November 01, 2011
Oh Wow! Just saw and read your blog.
Brilliant, brilliant. Your job is writing, earnestp. Write a treatment for a TV show! And, if you don't feel like doing that, please don't make us wait too long for an update on your adventures in Deerzillaland!

And Vern, well heck, truth is, no matter what she becomes or how her appearance changes, he'll see Sumomama exactly as she looked when he first laid eyes on her... Know what I mean?
Member Since: April 29, 2006 Posts: 161 Comments: 19643
16. earnestp
3:32 PM GMT on November 01, 2011
I am distraught and disgusted! I went over to Verns Halloween Extravaganzo last night, and the there was nobody there! No decorations or nuthin! I reckon he must have had sumthin happen to him, so anyway I went over to the medical clinic and the police station lookin for him, and he werent nowhere! I went back over to Verns and helped myself to a couple of Meller Yellers and waited for Vern to come back. About the time it was a gettin daylight ol Vern came in a singin and swingin, and I asked him where in the heck he was all night and he said he was invited to a party at the mayors house and he didnt think nobody would come to the Extravagazo so he went to the mayors party. A asked him why didnt he tell me about it and he said that the mayor didnt want me there on account to what happened to his swimmin pool a couple of years back.

Well Ill tell ya that was like a kick in the head! I just went on home, and on the way I saw a funny lookin dog that looked all friendly like and was waggin his tail, so I decided to pet him. Did you know that dog went and hiked his leg and piddled on my shoe? And then he runned off before I could kick him. I saw his pitchur somewhere. Oh, here it is:



Anyway, I guess I will see yall around sometime!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
15. earnestp
10:24 AM GMT on October 31, 2011
Its Halloween! And Verns Extavaganzo is tonight! I cant wait! All my friends are going to be there! Vern and Lem and my cousin Bobby and that weathergirl on channel 8 news, well she dont know me or Vern, but I sent her a letter and told her all about it so Ill know shell come!

I finally figgert what Im gonna be at the Extravaganzo. Im gonna be Santy Claus! Bet nobodys gonna know who I am! I is a genius, you know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
14. earnestp
11:28 PM GMT on October 27, 2011
How yall doin? Boy, was it cold this mornin! I didnt want to get out of bed, but an entremanure like me gotta get out there and make some wampum, you know what I mean? Besides, I aint got my check yet. I went out to the kitchen and looked for some instant coffee to get me movin movin movin movin movin, but I didnt find none. I didnt have any moolah to buy any at Lem's so I came over here to Vern's to fix me some! I shore am glad I made me a key to his house!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
13. earnestp
11:09 AM GMT on October 24, 2011
Since Vern's ol lady is over there in Japan rasslin in one of them sumo tournaments, hes been a lookin mighty peeked from not eatin right. So I figgerd that I could sneak over there to Vern's and whip him up some of Earnests World Famous Chili to put some meat on his bones so that big woman of his wont crush him, you know what I mean? Ida thought Id fix it while hes at work and surprise him when he got home. Vern don't desrve a good friend like me, but I help him out when I can!

Anyway, I checked out his icebox, and that Vern didn't have any hamburger meat. My World Famous Chili has lots of hamburger meat, so Id figger Id improvise and find somethin else. You know, its a wonder that Vern is even alive! All I saw in the icebox was raw fish and fish heads! Eeeeewwww! Ol Earnest was gonna hafta improvise real hard to make this work, you know what I mean? I didnt have any scratch to go down to Lems to get any hamburger meat so I hadda figger something out quick! So I thought. And then I thought some more, and right then and there I looked up the road and saw somethin layin on the side of the road! I run up there and found me a groundhog that met up with Mr. Goodyear the hard way. Why it was so fresh that it didn't have no flies on it and the buzzards wasnt circling over it!

I grabbed that groundhog by the tail and found out the hard way that it was just takin a nap! It commenced to clawin and snappin and tryin to eat me alive and I hollerd and dropped it and run like the dickens! It was time for plan C!
I went over to the big chicken house catty-cornered from Verns to see if they had any that croaked lately when I saw the biggest chicken snake I ever saw! That thing was big around as my arm and as long as Fast Eddies Cadillac! Well I tried to whack its head off with Verns hoe but it was dull and wouldnt chop grass, you know what I mean, so I run in his garage and fired up his big zero turn mower. I hit that snake with the mower and the mower just stopped and died, but it did a fine job of slicin that snake up! Adam should of had a zero turn mower in the Garden of Eden, then he wouldnt got in no trouble!

I got the pieces of that snake and took it to the kitchen and cleaned all the grass and motor oil that come out of Verns mower off the snake, and then cleaned all the meat off it. I figgered then Id need a pot for my chili, but I couldnt find any big pots in the kitchen, so I went to the back porch where Vern had a small tree planted in a big pot that Verns grandma used to use when it was too cold to go to the outhouse. I set the tree off to the side and rinsed the pot out with a hose.

Plan C was a workin pretty good! I looked for some bacon grease or lard to fry the snake in but I couldnt find none so I found some olive oil. I think Popeyes Chicken uses it to fry their chicken with, so I commenced to frying the snake in it. I found some mater juice and pinto beans and some canned chili beans and a coupla onions and some macaroni. That chili was starting to sound good, and I hadnt even tasted it yet! I put everything in the pot, but I hadnt put any spices or anything to thicken it with. I found me some self-risin flour to thicken it, then I set out to find some spices. I looked high and low until I found some spices that Verns ol lady brought back from Japan, and they looked mostly red so I dumped them all in the pot! It was a lookin good! Smelt like it kinda had a whang to it though.

Vern was gonna be home for in a couple of hours, so I put the stove burner on high and cooked the chili on turbo mode! I remembered that Verns zero turn mower was still in the back yard so I tried to fire it up and get in the garage, but it wouldn't even turn over so I had to push it in there. Boy them things are heavy! After I got that done I went into the kitchen and the turbo cookin chili had boilt over the top and was makin lotsa smoke and stink! Good thing Verns ol lady had plenty of good towels and candles! I dumped the towels in the trash cause I didnt think Vern would want to wash them anyway, and opened some winders to let some of the stink out. I looked at the clock and Vern was gonna be here any minute! I put the pot back on the stove, set the burner on real low, and hightailed it out of there!
I didn't get a chance to taste it, but Killer licked up some and after a few minutes jumped out a winder and started to drag his hind end in the grass, a yowlpin and a howlin! I reckon I made it hot enuff!

I hope Vern appreciates all the hard work I put into feedin him, thats what friends are for, you know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
12. earnestp
9:28 PM GMT on October 19, 2011
You know, that Vern gave me a good idee the other day. He said that I should go out and get a real job instead cruisin the back roads for fresh coon and possum skins to sell at Lems. That way I wouldn't have to go over to his house every evenin to have supper.

Well I thought that was purty smart of Vern to figger that out, so I followed his advice and checked the want ads. There was a big ol ad for a new Walmart, but I was banned from the old one for blowin it up(I aint tellin). There was an ad for Fast Eddies used cars as a car washer, but I was fired from there for wreckin his Cadillac Eldorado. I called the number for sellin Avon, but they went and hung up on me. I think theys discriminatin, you know what I mean?

Anyway, I saw on the TV that Steve Jobs fella died. Mebbe I can get his job! I know all about Apples! There's your red delishous, and your gold delishous, and your Granny Smiths that are good for a bakin, and your Mcintoshes and on and on and on! I am an Apple expert!

I dont know mebbe I should go to school to be brain surgeon and a proctologist, that way I'd have both ends covered, you know what I mean? Ol Earnest is purty smart!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
11. earnestp
11:09 AM GMT on October 16, 2011
Verns been a busy lately makin plans for his Halloween Extravaganzo. He said there was goin to be a few surprises in store. I told him I had a surprise at Lems General Store and Bait Shop when I saw the price of viena sausages, and he gave me one of them looks like a dog does when he hears somethin weird.

Anyway, he said dont tell anybody, but.....Ill tell ya if you dont promise to tell anyone else, OK?... OK! Anyways, he said he was going to fix up some zombies, and then he was going to blow them up usin M80 firecrackers. I told him my cousin Willie had some quarter sticks of dynomite he uses to fish with, hed probably spare a few. Hes also gonna have a witch come flyin thru the trees on a clothesline. I told him hed better not use Auntie Nelda or his ol lady on that line, its sure gonna break in two somewhere.

Vern said he wasnt gonna have any vampires this year on account of what almost happened to his brother Cletus last year. Cletus had a little too much lightnin and got carried away and tried to bite Freddie Sims girlfriend in the neck and Freddie got all bent out of shape and tried to stick a wooden horseshoe peg in Cletuses heart! I told Vern instead of using his brother, he should get a professional vampire like Verns first wifes lawyer. Vern right then and there started sweatin like a pig and rubbin his neck! I think professional vampires are too scary for Halloween Extavaganzos, know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
10. earnestp
10:20 AM GMT on October 16, 2011
You know, sometimes its hard work bein a fellers best friend, know what I mean? I hollerd at Vern over the telephone and asked him that I needed to do a little grub grabbin, did he need anything? He said he was short on some milk and cereal, and I said while your down there at Lems, pick me up a pound of baloney and a box of crackers! Bout the time I said that, the line went dead. You think with all the money the phone company makes, wed get better service, know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
9. earnestp
11:50 AM GMT on October 15, 2011
Help! Help! My toilet just exploded! Waters runnin evrywhere! I got me a hole in the roof! Im still pullin pieces of toilet out of my hind end! I read somwhere that acetone was good at cleanin stains , so I got me a five gallon bucket of it at Lems General Store and Bait Shop, and I got the floor clean and the sheets clean and the couch clean with it. I thought what the heck, Ill try it in the toilet bowl, its been real nasty lately. About the time I commenced scrubbin, the dang light bulb burnt out, so I lit me a match an KABOOM!

You know, a feller can learn somethin new every day, know what I mean? oowwwwww.......
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
8. earnestp
10:48 AM GMT on October 11, 2011
Ol Earnest here likes to have some fun evry once in a while, know what I mean? Vern's oldest boy is one of them tree huggin sensitive boys that dont eat meat and says were killin the world. Last week for his birthday I got him a T shirt that says If It Tweets, I Shoot It! He didnt think that was funny one bit! He oughta be thnkful I didn't get him the stuffed hog I saw down at the bait shop! People are funny, know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
7. aquak9
10:41 AM GMT on October 11, 2011
Be careful there, Vern.
Seems WU doesn't allow a sense of humor here anymore.
Member Since: August 13, 2005 Posts: 188 Comments: 27100
6. earnestp
10:36 AM GMT on October 11, 2011
Hoo Whee! That Vern is a technological master, know what I mean? He got one of them eye phones that does everything except fold the clothes and mop the floor! Hes been usin it to fix me up with a good woman to take me in and take care of me. That shore sounds nice! Hes been tryin to find me one o them furrin women so I can move over there. I dont know about doin that. I dont think I could live without Convenient stores or Krystal hamburgers! Im purty shore there aint none of them in Rusha. I dont know about that plsce anyway. I think its still full of Commies. They got that guy Pootin or Fartin or somethin like that and I dont want him to send me off to Siberia or someplace worse!

I askd him why I couldnt go out with American girls and he said they are always wantin stuff and wouldnt want a simple man. I told him Id be the smartest, good lookin, swave, and de bone air(Thats French for smooth operator) those women ever saw! I told him he didnt know nothin about women since he married that battle ax! He said he didnt marry her for her looks, thats where he messed up with his first wife. This ones makin all kinds of money in Japan rasslin them Sumos. I said yeah but she threw you thru that plate glass winder when she got mad at you for breakin that high dollar vase she bought over there.

I jus rekon Ill hafta find me a good woman on my own!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
5. earnestp
9:53 AM GMT on October 10, 2011
Boy, Ill tell you what! Whoever said that you can pick your neighbors but you cant pick your kinfolk shore got that right! I jus got back from the jailhouse! I hadda go take my cousin Leroy a pack of smokes cause he lost his when he got busted! Big dummy got caught redhanded tryin to steal lottery tickets out of Lems General Store and Bait Shop. He shouda known that Lem carries a slug loaded 12 gauge double barrel! Leroys lucky he didnt find a hole in him the size of a dinner plate! Just goes to show you cant teach stupid! I aint exactly a Noble Prize winner, but Im smart enuff to know not to beat on a lottery ticket box with a crowbar while somebodys sleepin upstairs totin a shotgun, know what I mean?

Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
4. earnestp
11:04 AM GMT on October 08, 2011
Yaaaawwwwnnn! Oh, golly bob howdy, it sure is early this morning! Me and Vern is going out deer huntin today! I hope I can shoot a ten pointer! I aint much on huntin deer, fishin is more my speciality! Mrs. Vern wants me to go with him so he wont shoot somethin off that he might use later. I tried to tell her that hes big enuff to take care of hisself, but then she gave me that LOOK. You know the look that if I didn't do what she asked, shed make sure I'd never be a daddy, know what I mean? And I ain't even married to the woman! Poor Vern needs to be awarded the Medal of Honor for sacrificing himself so that all men could be free from this woman!

Anyway, me and Vern has to leave before light so we can get to our tree stands before the deers see us. That reminds me of a story my uncle Sheck told me when I was a boy. One day, Uncle Sheck took his deer stand out to where Deerzilla lived. Deerzilla was so big people thought he was an elk, and Uncle Sheck was the man to make a trophy out of him! He was next to a clearing nailin his deer stand when all of a sudden he heard a loud snort, followed by a hard push in the back. he spun around and what did he see but Deerzilla himself! He tried to shoo the deer away, but Deerzilla looked at him and snorted. It was then he remembered he broke a bottle of doe urine earlier in the day, and forgot to wash up. Deerzilla was lookin for a girlfriend! Sheck couldnt get to his gun cause it was in his truck. He had to think quick, that deer was a pawin the ground wonderin where his girlfriend was. Sheck remembered goin to the slaughterhouse on a field trip in school and how they took care of business, so he took his 22 ounce Eswing and coldcocked that deer right between the antlers! What scared him next was that Deerzilla didn't fall. The deer just stared at him! Uncle Sheck thought he was a goner, but then the deer just turned around and walked into the woods! Sheck never saw deerzilla again.

Well, I gotta go, Vern is hollerin at me to get off my butt and go with him! Bye now!
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
3. earnestp
11:07 AM GMT on October 07, 2011
Halloween party? YEE-HAAW!! You'd think she'd ask me? Id put on a clean vest and hat if I could go! Whod I go as? Id hafta wear a costume! Lets see. Hmmmmm. A pirate? Naw, everybody does a pirate. Vampire? Naw, everybody else does a vampire. Casimer Pulaski, the Polish general from the Revolutionary War? Naw, did him last year, but it was a hit at Verns party!

Verns party? I never miss Verns Halloween party! Theres something for everyone there! For people with low esteem, he has water bobbing for prizes! You cant miss! He also has a kissin booth! Auntie Nelda was the kisser last year! Scared off all the menfolk though. Maybe I can talk 'ol FlaBlondie into coming to Verns party and work the kissin booth. I hope she can come! Id hate to ask Ma. The last time Ma did the kissin booth Pa was there with his 12 gauge, darin anyone to go to the booth. That didnt go too well.
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36
2. shoreacres
1:33 AM GMT on October 06, 2011
I reckon there's plenty understands you, they just don't wanna claim so. Me, I just laughed. My own mama used to make a joke - she'd say "I'll be frank, and you be earnest". Don't know where it came from, but it was funny.

Believe I saw you over at Blondie's place. You wouldn't be comin' around for her halloween party, would you?
Member Since: October 4, 2004 Posts: 205 Comments: 15288
1. earnestp
11:41 PM GMT on October 05, 2011
How yall doin? I dont reckon nobody unnerstands what I mean. Thats alright, sometime I dont unnerstand what I mean either. Seems like nobody whants to talk to ol Earnest. Thats ok, I'll just talk to myself. Momma always wunnered who I was a talkin to, I always said the voices in my head. She asked me who was talkin them voices, and I said me most of the time, with a little Ronnie Reagan or Bill Clinton sometimes.
Momma still loves me!

I went over to my buddy Verns house last night to see a movie on his big screen TV. I wanna say big scream cause he got one of them 3D TVs with the surround sound and he put in a scary movie and those vampires was turnin in to bats and it looked like they was flyin right at me! I screamed like a little girl, I was sore ashamed at myself! I think I wet on Verns couch too, but I didn't tell him, and if he asked me if I did, Id tell him the dog did it. His dog was sittin on the couch next to me tryin to eat my slim jims and I was tellin the dog "get down, Killer!" Vern told me to hush up and settle down, because miniture poodles are sensitive, and that if I yelled at him, Id hurt his feelings. I gave Killer a slim jim and he wagged his tail. I reckon he didnt get his feelins hurt none.

People sure are funny when it comes to their critters! Know what I mean?
Member Since: September 30, 2011 Posts: 4 Comments: 36

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About earnestp

I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!