Boy Howdy! I finally made it on the innernet! My buddy Vern's been a tellin me all about it! Why, he figgered out how to assemble a cold fusion generator just by readin what somebody wrote on there! All he needs now are the parts! Any of yall know how I can get ahold of somebody at Los Alamos? My 4th cousin twice removed Bobby works at Oak Ridge, but I think he's just a janitor!
Anyway, I saw this Weather Underground place, and I thought to myself. And then I thought some more, and then I said "Earnest." "Huh." "Why do they call it the Weather Underground? If they are underground, how can they see the weather?" "I dunno. Maybe they are reporting the weather in caves or basements or something like that." "But there ain't no weather in basements." "It does if theres a pipe busts, then you have rain and fog." "Oh. OK."
Vern also told me there was a lot of pitchers of half nekkid women on the innernet, too, but all I see here is lots of purty pitchers of outdoors and critters and things, with some of cousin Cletus' weenie roast gone out of control. There's a FlaBlondie out here in the underground that's kinda purty, but I don't think she can fix fried taters and balony. If a woman can't fix fried taters and balony, she ain't worth spittin at, do you know what I mean?
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Momma still loves me!
I went over to my buddy Verns house last night to see a movie on his big screen TV. I wanna say big scream cause he got one of them 3D TVs with the surround sound and he put in a scary movie and those vampires was turnin in to bats and it looked like they was flyin right at me! I screamed like a little girl, I was sore ashamed at myself! I think I wet on Verns couch too, but I didn't tell him, and if he asked me if I did, Id tell him the dog did it. His dog was sittin on the couch next to me tryin to eat my slim jims and I was tellin the dog "get down, Killer!" Vern told me to hush up and settle down, because miniture poodles are sensitive, and that if I yelled at him, Id hurt his feelings. I gave Killer a slim jim and he wagged his tail. I reckon he didnt get his feelins hurt none.
People sure are funny when it comes to their critters! Know what I mean?
Believe I saw you over at Blondie's place. You wouldn't be comin' around for her halloween party, would you?
Verns party? I never miss Verns Halloween party! Theres something for everyone there! For people with low esteem, he has water bobbing for prizes! You cant miss! He also has a kissin booth! Auntie Nelda was the kisser last year! Scared off all the menfolk though. Maybe I can talk 'ol FlaBlondie into coming to Verns party and work the kissin booth. I hope she can come! Id hate to ask Ma. The last time Ma did the kissin booth Pa was there with his 12 gauge, darin anyone to go to the booth. That didnt go too well.
Anyway, me and Vern has to leave before light so we can get to our tree stands before the deers see us. That reminds me of a story my uncle Sheck told me when I was a boy. One day, Uncle Sheck took his deer stand out to where Deerzilla lived. Deerzilla was so big people thought he was an elk, and Uncle Sheck was the man to make a trophy out of him! He was next to a clearing nailin his deer stand when all of a sudden he heard a loud snort, followed by a hard push in the back. he spun around and what did he see but Deerzilla himself! He tried to shoo the deer away, but Deerzilla looked at him and snorted. It was then he remembered he broke a bottle of doe urine earlier in the day, and forgot to wash up. Deerzilla was lookin for a girlfriend! Sheck couldnt get to his gun cause it was in his truck. He had to think quick, that deer was a pawin the ground wonderin where his girlfriend was. Sheck remembered goin to the slaughterhouse on a field trip in school and how they took care of business, so he took his 22 ounce Eswing and coldcocked that deer right between the antlers! What scared him next was that Deerzilla didn't fall. The deer just stared at him! Uncle Sheck thought he was a goner, but then the deer just turned around and walked into the woods! Sheck never saw deerzilla again.
Well, I gotta go, Vern is hollerin at me to get off my butt and go with him! Bye now!
I askd him why I couldnt go out with American girls and he said they are always wantin stuff and wouldnt want a simple man. I told him Id be the smartest, good lookin, swave, and de bone air(Thats French for smooth operator) those women ever saw! I told him he didnt know nothin about women since he married that battle ax! He said he didnt marry her for her looks, thats where he messed up with his first wife. This ones makin all kinds of money in Japan rasslin them Sumos. I said yeah but she threw you thru that plate glass winder when she got mad at you for breakin that high dollar vase she bought over there.
I jus rekon Ill hafta find me a good woman on my own!
Seems WU doesn't allow a sense of humor here anymore.
You know, a feller can learn somethin new every day, know what I mean? oowwwwww.......
Anyway, he said dont tell anybody, but.....Ill tell ya if you dont promise to tell anyone else, OK?... OK! Anyways, he said he was going to fix up some zombies, and then he was going to blow them up usin M80 firecrackers. I told him my cousin Willie had some quarter sticks of dynomite he uses to fish with, hed probably spare a few. Hes also gonna have a witch come flyin thru the trees on a clothesline. I told him hed better not use Auntie Nelda or his ol lady on that line, its sure gonna break in two somewhere.
Vern said he wasnt gonna have any vampires this year on account of what almost happened to his brother Cletus last year. Cletus had a little too much lightnin and got carried away and tried to bite Freddie Sims girlfriend in the neck and Freddie got all bent out of shape and tried to stick a wooden horseshoe peg in Cletuses heart! I told Vern instead of using his brother, he should get a professional vampire like Verns first wifes lawyer. Vern right then and there started sweatin like a pig and rubbin his neck! I think professional vampires are too scary for Halloween Extavaganzos, know what I mean?
Well I thought that was purty smart of Vern to figger that out, so I followed his advice and checked the want ads. There was a big ol ad for a new Walmart, but I was banned from the old one for blowin it up(I aint tellin). There was an ad for Fast Eddies used cars as a car washer, but I was fired from there for wreckin his Cadillac Eldorado. I called the number for sellin Avon, but they went and hung up on me. I think theys discriminatin, you know what I mean?
Anyway, I saw on the TV that Steve Jobs fella died. Mebbe I can get his job! I know all about Apples! There's your red delishous, and your gold delishous, and your Granny Smiths that are good for a bakin, and your Mcintoshes and on and on and on! I am an Apple expert!
I dont know mebbe I should go to school to be brain surgeon and a proctologist, that way I'd have both ends covered, you know what I mean? Ol Earnest is purty smart!
Anyway, I checked out his icebox, and that Vern didn't have any hamburger meat. My World Famous Chili has lots of hamburger meat, so Id figger Id improvise and find somethin else. You know, its a wonder that Vern is even alive! All I saw in the icebox was raw fish and fish heads! Eeeeewwww! Ol Earnest was gonna hafta improvise real hard to make this work, you know what I mean? I didnt have any scratch to go down to Lems to get any hamburger meat so I hadda figger something out quick! So I thought. And then I thought some more, and right then and there I looked up the road and saw somethin layin on the side of the road! I run up there and found me a groundhog that met up with Mr. Goodyear the hard way. Why it was so fresh that it didn't have no flies on it and the buzzards wasnt circling over it!
I grabbed that groundhog by the tail and found out the hard way that it was just takin a nap! It commenced to clawin and snappin and tryin to eat me alive and I hollerd and dropped it and run like the dickens! It was time for plan C!
I went over to the big chicken house catty-cornered from Verns to see if they had any that croaked lately when I saw the biggest chicken snake I ever saw! That thing was big around as my arm and as long as Fast Eddies Cadillac! Well I tried to whack its head off with Verns hoe but it was dull and wouldnt chop grass, you know what I mean, so I run in his garage and fired up his big zero turn mower. I hit that snake with the mower and the mower just stopped and died, but it did a fine job of slicin that snake up! Adam should of had a zero turn mower in the Garden of Eden, then he wouldnt got in no trouble!
I got the pieces of that snake and took it to the kitchen and cleaned all the grass and motor oil that come out of Verns mower off the snake, and then cleaned all the meat off it. I figgered then Id need a pot for my chili, but I couldnt find any big pots in the kitchen, so I went to the back porch where Vern had a small tree planted in a big pot that Verns grandma used to use when it was too cold to go to the outhouse. I set the tree off to the side and rinsed the pot out with a hose.
Plan C was a workin pretty good! I looked for some bacon grease or lard to fry the snake in but I couldnt find none so I found some olive oil. I think Popeyes Chicken uses it to fry their chicken with, so I commenced to frying the snake in it. I found some mater juice and pinto beans and some canned chili beans and a coupla onions and some macaroni. That chili was starting to sound good, and I hadnt even tasted it yet! I put everything in the pot, but I hadnt put any spices or anything to thicken it with. I found me some self-risin flour to thicken it, then I set out to find some spices. I looked high and low until I found some spices that Verns ol lady brought back from Japan, and they looked mostly red so I dumped them all in the pot! It was a lookin good! Smelt like it kinda had a whang to it though.
Vern was gonna be home for in a couple of hours, so I put the stove burner on high and cooked the chili on turbo mode! I remembered that Verns zero turn mower was still in the back yard so I tried to fire it up and get in the garage, but it wouldn't even turn over so I had to push it in there. Boy them things are heavy! After I got that done I went into the kitchen and the turbo cookin chili had boilt over the top and was makin lotsa smoke and stink! Good thing Verns ol lady had plenty of good towels and candles! I dumped the towels in the trash cause I didnt think Vern would want to wash them anyway, and opened some winders to let some of the stink out. I looked at the clock and Vern was gonna be here any minute! I put the pot back on the stove, set the burner on real low, and hightailed it out of there!
I didn't get a chance to taste it, but Killer licked up some and after a few minutes jumped out a winder and started to drag his hind end in the grass, a yowlpin and a howlin! I reckon I made it hot enuff!
I hope Vern appreciates all the hard work I put into feedin him, thats what friends are for, you know what I mean?
I finally figgert what Im gonna be at the Extravaganzo. Im gonna be Santy Claus! Bet nobodys gonna know who I am! I is a genius, you know what I mean?
Well Ill tell ya that was like a kick in the head! I just went on home, and on the way I saw a funny lookin dog that looked all friendly like and was waggin his tail, so I decided to pet him. Did you know that dog went and hiked his leg and piddled on my shoe? And then he runned off before I could kick him. I saw his pitchur somewhere. Oh, here it is:
Anyway, I guess I will see yall around sometime!
Brilliant, brilliant. Your job is writing, earnestp. Write a treatment for a TV show! And, if you don't feel like doing that, please don't make us wait too long for an update on your adventures in Deerzillaland!
And Vern, well heck, truth is, no matter what she becomes or how her appearance changes, he'll see Sumomama exactly as she looked when he first laid eyes on her... Know what I mean?
Thanks for the compliment!
Good luck to you and earnestp.
(edited)
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