I aint who I is, but I aint who I aint, either!
By: earnestp, 11:50 PM GMT on October 30, 2013
Boy, howdy! This heres been a year, I garontee! I've been here, there, and a lil bit of evrywhere! Whirlwind City, that's me! I gotta do me a little catchin up with all yall nice folks out there!
Last yall heard from me, I was hidin from the Lee sisters at Auntie Neldas and Unk Wylies! Theyd let me stay there for the rest of my days, but I coudna do it, as Im a man of my own means, know what I mean? So they gave me a little money and a bus ticket and Unks good suitcase fulla clothes, and off I went! Where I was goin, I didnt have no idee, but I was gonna make it work!
Wound up in Vernon, Alabama! Didnt have no banjo, though, so I couldnt sing that old song Mrs. Thompkins taught us in school! So here I was in Vernon(I picked Vernon because I miss my old buddy Vern, know what I mean?) Anyways, I went to the motel there on main street, so I can stay for a spell while I figgert out what to do, and lo and behold(I remember that from a fancy TV show. Im purty good with words when I want to!) on the front door there was a sign sayin Help Wanted, so I went in and told the lady I need a place to sleep and a job, whatya got? And she said she needed a handyman, and she had a room for free if I didnt mind fixing it up first! Sometimes The Good Lord just got your back, know what I mean? handymanin is what Ol Earnest does best! I told the lady she had herself a deal!
My room was kinda cold, but a couple of good whacks on the radiator with a hammer loosed up all the crud in it, and when I put some duck tape over the hole in the winder, it was real snug! Had me a hot plate and a fridgerater, too! Life was real good!
Come springtime, vernon turned out to be one of them tourist hotspots! People come from all over, passin through, and stayin the night! Well, handymanin was purty easy for a while, I mean, even Vern could change out a light bulb, know what I mean? I even had to share my room with a travelin salesman a time or two! I bought me an air purifyin zapper thingy for when I cooked my beans and weenies too long! Worked good, too!
One night, a bunch of spring brakers was a stayin the night, and I dont know what they put in their potty, but it was stuck, so I was asked to go and fix it! Well, I got me a plunger, and then a snake, but I couldnt do nothin with it! It was stuck tighter than a leotard on Mabels hind end, know what I mean? So I went down the street to where my buddy Skeeters hardware store was, and got about a gallon of Drano, and went back in! I started pourin that stuff in there, and it was bubblin a bit, but it wasnt doin too good, so I tried a trick I saw on the innernet, and stuffed a roll of aluminum foil in that commode! Boy, that worked! Too good, I reckon! Why that thing blew the out the lines, the toilet, and a hole in the wall big enuff to throw me through it! I wound up in a willer tree about halfway up!
Well, that was the end of that job. I also got kicked out of the motel, but I had a place to stay at the hospital, while I was gettin over my broke bones and bruises! It was May before I got out!
I didnt know what I was gonna do next, and all I had was the clothes in Unks suitcase, and a air zapper! I was in a pickle! Then, the Good Lord done shined on me again, cause I seen me another sign! BASEBALL TRYOUTS, it said! Vernon had a semi-pro baseball team! Well I thought I could just get on the team, but them boys is a lot bettern I was! I didnt make the team, but the owner took pity on me, and gave me a job as their uniform cleaner and mascot! I was a Vernon Bigfoot! Here's a picture of me in my uniform! Pretty sharp, ain't I?
We went all over Alabama, Georgia, Tenessee, Missisisppi, even near my old hometown! Ise glad I could wear that outfit, in case the Lee sisters went to that game, know what I mean?
But you know what? Bein so close to home got me missin my kinfolk, and even ol Vern and Killer. I heard him and that sumo rasslin wife of his made up and got back together! Boy that Vern is some kind of special stupid, know what I mean? I think its so he dont have to go out and get a real job, like his big brother Bob.
Anyways, Verns got a new extravaganzo happenin tomorrow! And Im gonna crash that party, wearin my bigfoot outfit, so nobody knows its me! Unk Wylie and Auntie Nelda says Im crazy, but Im crazy like a fox, know what I mean? I reckon well see tomorry!