By: RobDaHood , 9:42 AM GMT on July 01, 2012

Welcome to The Ark

And Beyond.

There have been requests for a new mission.
Here it is.

I am about this close to clapping the girl in irons!

Wasn't bad enough I had to listen to the sound of spike heeled boots click-clack-click back and forth for hours as she paced around the bridge. She was in a bit of a miff, you see, that Pottery had forgotten who she was. But now I awaken with a pounding headache. She had used the Will-B-Wuz.

Okay, perhaps I'd better back up a bit. One of the side effects of trans dimensional wormhole travel is deja-vu and the feeling that you have already said things and done things that have yet to transpire. It takes a while to sort it all out.

So, as I was about to say, Some days or weeks ago, from the reader's perspective, although from mine, mere hours, (I haven't yet sorted out when I am) Lord Pottery requested a mission to discover the cause of some phantom WUmail that he had received, yet not gotten, leading to a serious case of consternation and befuddlement on his part. I immediately assigned Krissy (the grand-daughter of Ranger Rick) to the task of solving the mystery and attempting to recover said mail.

When I informed Pottery that she was making progress and the two of us were about to leave in the Captain's launch to follow up on a lead, he said "Who is Krissy?"

That's when the heel clicking started.

"Krissy, you have to remember that the last time Lord P. saw you was in Trinidad, after the wedding. He was quite, uhm, lets just say comfortably numb at the time. He probably doesn't remember half of the things that happened that evening..."

"That's no excuse!" click-clack-click.

And so forth and so on until I finally gave up and headed off to bed.
I've never seen her is such a state.

(Pottery, you owe me a very nice bottle of rum for this)

We were heading to a region of space called Beyond. It is called that because it is beyond the area explored and patrolled by the Grays. Little is known about it and it is frequented by pirates and all manner of unsavory characters.

I awoke with a start and a pounding head because someone was in a hurry. The Captains launch lack the sophisticated inertial dampening system of The Ark, and therefore can't accelerate at much over 3 Gs for sustained periods under the gravity drive without getting quite uncomfortable. The mechanism is just too large to fit is the smaller craft. However, the last time that Earl stopped by, Krissy traded him a pallet of his favorite tea for a Will-B-Wuz.

(I don't want to digress too much here, I'll speak more on the Grays later)

Anyway, I stumbled onto the bridge grasping my aching head in both hands and inquired (expletives deleted) as to exactly what the heck was going on.

"We're here, but it isn't!"

"Where, and what isn't?" I inquired, the pain starting to subside.

"Well, Captain, we are precisely where Boldlygo is supposed to be, but it's not here!" I could tell by her demeanor that she was slightly embarrassed at having lost an entire planet.

"Well, what is here?"

"There is a lot of what looks to be unmatched socks, some pocket fluff, and...what is that? a wad of paper?"

"Get it aboard and lets have a look."

Cutting to the chase, it was a sheet from a yellow legal pad, or at least part of one, The lower right half seemed to have been cut off. It read:

Help! Portable Ho...
The rest was missing.

(to be continued...)
Here is a link to the previous blog.

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Smoke Signal communication from Toasted Critter, Communications Officer, Everglades.

Dear Poncho
Sometime during the last several weeks or years, it's hard to say, we don't know why, it just is, Princess Talks-a-lot was down by the orca pond serenely petting Recherche Critter, as she often does while the Chief is out fishing, and was awakened from her trance like state when your compatriot, Lefty, suddenly without any warning disappeared from his post at the orca pond and has not been heard from since, until early this morning that is.

He has been secreted aboard a prison ship on the outer orbit of Boldlygo. I know this because he always carries with him a shiny object he uses to communicate with me in Marsh Code.

After deciphering the Code, I learned, gleaned or otherwise fabricated his nebulous predicament.

For weeks, or years, he listened to the ominous sound, "click, click, click, click" through his cell door. This is the sound made by the Amazon warden Theona as she calmly paces the bridge of the prison ship.

Only one thing can be deduced, deducted or fabricated from this glaring difference in sounds compared to the "click, clack, click, clack" made by Krissy. Krissy obviously has a hollow heel in her left shoe that was used to secret a small vial of Blanco Bitus. Therefore, Theona's "right" heel must obviously now contain the vial.

Blanco Bitus is the only known antidote to the bite of the White Widow Spider. An exquisite creature actually, worshiped by the Amazons, who's silk is known as The Thin Thread of Theona which is used for weaponry, space craft construction and unfortunately for Senor Lefty, handcuffs.

Senor Poncho, you must contact your driver, the shepster, aka, Poncho's Pilot, and seek solice, solution or spice and come up with some plan, positon or product of dubious definition, description or de-rum. Please do not let him smoke any of the spice.

He seems to have an affirmed affinity, influence and otherwise incoherent association with the honorable and most fortunate Lord Pottery. As they were both exchange students at the Universidad de Trinidad, where they received their degrees in Rumology and the University of The Everglades where they received their degrees in Planing and Wordsmithery.

It is not unknown that both you and Lefty have, in the past, toyed with theshepster's laptop while he sleeps. Hopefully Warden Theona has no plans for Lefty's access to same.

Toasted Critter

Member Since: September 11, 2008 Posts: 10 Comments: 10229
Quoting RobDaHood:
"Oh, no way man!" Now it was my turn to pace. "Okay, get on the horn to Rick and tell him to contact the Grays and see if they are missing a portable hole. And tell him to be discrete. This could be serious."

"On it Boss!"

(this ought to jar your memory Pottery)

Jar my memory?
I'll have you know, that image jarred my entire physical being.
Every atom of it.
Down to my last appendage.
Including my Ruptured Rib, which is now in some agony from the effects of a Loud Guffaw.

Anyway, in pursuance of your Secret Missige #7973b, I am assembling all the Stuff and Whatnot that will be required for The Mission today, and will soon depart upon one of the Jolly-Boats to perform a Detailed Recon of the Island of Monos (it means Monkey, I think, but that may be a Code of some kind..).

This Mission is Fraught with Perils, for I have been sneakily informed that there may be clues pertaining to the location of What-We-Seek hidden deep within the recesses of one of the coolers.
It's probably a Message-In-A-Bottle, and I will undoubtedly be expected to drain every bottle to find out.

Please know that you can place your Complete Trust in me on this one.
I shall not fail.

Laters, then>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Member Since: October 24, 2005 Posts: 0 Comments: 26060

Received call from Krissy. Contacted Earl. This could be trouble. Grey ship ran into mechanical trouble near the edge of Beyond and slipped across a few parsecs near Boldlygo. Did you know they repair a lot of stuff with Duct Tape?

Anyway, they were given the repair materials they needed by a ship from Boldlygo and in return they gave the Captain of the ship that helped them one of the Portable Hole's that they had onboard. The Greys call these units a "JUMP". It stands for Juxtaposition Universal Mega Parsecs.

The normal unit is only designed for a starship. The Grey in the ship was new and didn't realize until it was too late that he gave the Pirate Cpt one of the JUMP's that will transport an entire planet to another location in space.

Knowing how the Grey's tend to be a little loose in their explanations, I asked Earl exactly how far this Jump Unit would transport a planet and he said: Oh, how big is the Universe?

Boldlygo could be anywhere. This is not good.

Will be offline for the next five hours, team has been notified and is enroute to my location, will check back in later for new developments.


End of message.
Member Since: September 3, 2008 Posts: 0 Comments: 25768
going to break for a while.
Back later this am.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
When I met Earl.

Well, lets just say it was a very long time ago and leave it at that. It was a moonless night and I was returning home to the little shack I was working out of on the outskirts of Bangkok. I rounded the corner of the house just as he did, but from the opposite direction. We both kinda freaked! Probably would have shot each other right then and there except, well, if you've never seen a Gray alien freak out, there aren't really words to describe it, but trust me it's a hoot!

I was doubled over in laughter, so no shooting. This cause him to start laughing so hard that he literally fell to the ground and started what looked like break dancing.

After a minute or so, I composed myself and helped the little guy to his feet. Not really knowing what else to do, I invited him in for a drink. I fixed him a cup of Earl Grey. He loved it so much that he proceeded over the next few hour to consume all that I had.

He spoke and understood English rather well but when I asked his name, it was something that I couldn't pronounce so I said I would call him Earl Gray.

He thought that this was exceedingly clever and the name stuck.
(It has since become their custom to select English names based on their greatest discovery)

Well, It turns out that Earls ship was experiencing technical difficulties and was parked near my dwelling. Earl had come looking for some material to repair it with.

He needed one box of large natural rubber bands, a box of strike anywhere matches, and a bobby pin. Well, I didn't have a bobby pin, but knew where to get one, so I went to fetch one from a friend and also brought back a pallet of his new favorite beverage.

He was beyond delighted. Turns out that this particular blend of tea induces a very mellow buzz in the Grays. I think it is due to the citrus oil. Their custom is not to accept a gift without giving something of equal or greater value in return. That is when he gave me the plans for the gravity warping drive of The Ark.

We've been friends every since.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
Yes Ylee, and you are naturally invited.
Just laying the groundwork this morning.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
Rob, is this one of those stream of semi-conciousness make-it-up-as-you-go story blogs?

I'm in, but I have a couple of blogs of my own to do first! I'll lurk for a while and see where this goes!
Member Since: Posts: Comments:
mmmm. Not good. Hopefully they'll do a better job this time.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
Right think we are sti11 0n water restricti0n b0i1 water f0r 3 min s0me0ne designed the reserv0ir transmissi0n and intake _i_ing t0 bridge 0n and 0ver the reserv0ir s_i11way Irina damaged the su_ _0rts and Thurs the hasty re_airs c011a_sed
Member Since: Posts: Comments:

Good Morning Goofy.
Been up since 0200.
Debating a third cup.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
Boldlygo is (or was) a small blue and green moon, mostly water, orbiting a gas giant in the near side of Beyond. No men, or very few at least, have ever gone there. It is inhabited by a band of Amazon space pirates.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
Red skye at Dawning n0 rea11y a 1itt1e c0ffee s00n and things wi11 get better 0r maybe a fried c0ke C0ca C01a f0r th0se 0f y0u at B01d1yg0
Member Since: Posts: Comments:
"Oh, no way man!" Now it was my turn to pace. "Okay, get on the horn to Rick and tell him to contact the Grays and see if they are missing a portable hole. And tell him to be discrete. This could be serious."

"On it Boss!"

(this ought to jar your memory Pottery)

Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451
tried to edit this post and WU chopped half of it off, so I put it up top.
Member Since: September 2, 2008 Posts: 111 Comments: 38451

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